11 months, 26 days and counting...

In 4 days, it will be the 1 year anniversary of the worst day of my life. The Chaco tan lines on my feet are getting more prominent with each day, and each day they are constant reminders of the fact that he isn't here.

When it first happened, it literally felt like there was a huge, gapping hole that filled my whole chest, and I didn't think that emptiness would ever be filled. One of the greatest people I had ever known was suddenly...gone. Taken. And I didn't have the chance to say goodbye. I am not sure where I was at the time, maybe at work or asleep or something, but before he left for his trip to Peru, my neighbor Megan told me he stopped by our apartment complex to say goodbye. Stopped by my place twice, from what I'm told. But I wasn't there. There is no place in the world I can think of that would have been more important for me to be at that moment. And I wasn't there.

His family, the family of the other two that died on the trip (the Yoders,) and my friends Aaron L., (Kristen Yoder's boyfriend from Arizona) and Kristen Pace are in Peru as I type this. They left on Sunday, and will return on July 2nd. Just like Brennan should have.

I still dream about him a lot. Most of the time, I'm the only one that can see him in the dream. In the last dream I had, a few nights ago, his brother Spencer could see him, too. Sometimes I dream he's still alive. Kristen and I had dinner with him, in one of the dreams. It's almost like I still get to spend time with him. I'm afraid, however, that one day I won't be able to separate my real memories of the times we spent together from the ones I've dreamed up in my sleep.

For the record...I don't just say how much he meant to me because he's gone. I would have said it last spring, too. Everyone that knew me and knew of my friendship with him will understand. He was one of my best friends, and I always looked forward to spending time with Brennan, even if we weren't doing anything other than talking...

*sigh*

Maybe that's why I dream about him so much. Because I loved spending time with him SO MUCH that I just can't fully give him up. I don't know where I'm going with any of this, but ... In memory of Brennan John Larson, I had to post something. . .