Thinkin' Over...

I've had a lot on my mind lately. More than usual, actually. Well, let me back up...

The last few weeks I've been pretty sick, and have spent an unusually large amount of time at home, in bed. When you're home and stuck in bed, you have ridiculous amounts of time to think. [And play on Facebook.] So, everything that I haven't had time to really think about the past few weeks/months came flooding to my mind, and at times, it was a bit overwhelming.

I thought about California. A lot. And obviously not JUST California, but situations surrounding certain people IN California. I gave my heart away to this person 8 years ago and I never really got it back. I've been fighting with myself over this non-stop since October 29th....The day he breezed back into my life. Well, actually I should say, I've been fighting with myself over this since September or October 2001. It's a sick love affair, so to speak, and I'm a hopeless romantic.

I thought a lot about the Church, and it's role in my life. Or rather, the lack-there-of. I went to the Draper Temple Open House on February 14th, and I was hoping to have some miraculous, spiritual experience that opened my eyes and flooded my heart and made me realize everything I have been missing....and...I just...didn't. The building was BEAUTIFUL...But, I just felt like I was walking through JUST THAT...a beautiful building. I had no spiritual connection with the place.

I've thought about Brennan, and how much I miss him. I guess that also ties into the whole "thinking about California" aspect... I haven't been there since his funeral, and would really like to bring some Gerber daisies to his grave...In my opinion, they are the ultimate symbol of friendship. [Well, at least in terms of flowers.]

Going along with missing Brennan, I've come to realize something about myself... I have a very hard time letting people go. I guess that has to do with "Mr. California," too. I care about people a LOT. I think about my friends and how much they mean to me, and maybe this is idealistic, but I invision always being friends with them. I think back to where I was a few years ago, and who I was spending all of my free time with, and sadly, most of my friends from back then have grown into what feels like strangers. That's hard for me. Kurt Cobain once said "It's better to burn out than to fade away." I think that really describes how I feel about friendship. I would rather have a friendship end in some bitter, horrible, beyond-the-point-of-repair type of fight than for the friendship to just fade away, almost like it never existed.

Here's an example. There is a person here in Utah I have been friends with since summer/fall of 2005, I believe.... [For the sake of making this less confusing, I'll refer to this person as "Shawn."] I have a tremendous amount of respect for Shawn. He's funny. He's outgoing. He's willing to help out a friend in need. He's someone I know I can talk to about anything without fear of judgement, and someone who can keep things confidential -- well, the important things anyway. :) I guess in short, he's all of the things a person looks for in a friend. Anyway, Shawn and I used to be good friends and hung out pretty regularly. Then, I don't know what happened. Life changed things. I have been back in Utah for just over a year now, and I've only seen him once. And that was by chance. It makes me sad to see friendships fizzle away, and not know how to fix them, or why they started fading in the first place.

Maybe that's just part of life...

This blog is probably sounding really depressing, ha ha ha, and I promise I don't mean for it to! Like I said, I've just had a lot on my mind and I needed someplace to write it all out, so I can better sort through it all.

Thanks for listening...